But, on this one, he married the LW, hes still married to her and he owes her the loyalty of declining the invitation. They just made a whole movie about turning 40, Addie Pray if youre planning on being married a long time, its best to get along with the inlaws. But your attitude doesnt take the long view. My answer remains the same in that the husband should not go, although Id modify it to the SIL and say just dont invite either of them. Honestly the way you write about your marriage to me that is so unappealing. Pitting your wife against your sister when you have no intention of weighing in could be a disaster! Never even asked questions when I went out. Do you really want to go to the party or do you just want your husband to stay home? GatorGirl Do any other commenters wonder if its the husband orchestrating this and not the SIL? January 15, 2013, 11:40 am. I'd invited him to come home for the holidays with me and he declined, and then he made plans to go on a vacation without me. One guy passed out drunk on the girl's couch and then woke up and groped her multiple times before she literally pushed him out the door One guy pleased himself in bed (without a request from the. Shame on your husband!!!!! But people have their own ways of doing things, and that's perfectly fine. I think she should call the sister-in-law directly and try to find out whether there is a problem. Go to those together. Visit Metro's Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at 4:30pm. Not to excuse his behaviour, but I can understand why he didn't invite you. You helped him with his costume, drove him around for 40mins and only asked once why he didn't invite you? How to talk to him about it in the morning ? Q: My boyfriend of almost three years will not invite me over to his place or to see his family. I have to say that something does sound a little fishy here. dang it, she said something like that once and it was awesome! My sister in law started hating me because she was always saying terrible things about her husband and I disagreed with her on one of her rants. I think the husband would be the real asshole in the situation AP described though. Ask him to be open and honest with you. He handled this in an incredibly tactless and disrespectful way. it sucks that families dont get along, but it happens.. it sucks when new family members dont get along, but it happens. Clearly, she and the husband know that it was on purpose, but do they know why? And, if the husbands family is so awful that theyd exclude someone like this with no real justification, thats an issue to be addressed, too. They mostly did it when I was alone so I think that he thought that I was being too sensitive. Unless there is a seriously valid reason I would request he doesnt go. Basically, people made their point and moved on. They have made ridiculous requests of him (like contributing to their bills when we have student loans and a house down payment to save up for), including using his vacation time to clean their attic and him to spend weekends taking care of his grandparents, who refuse to accept Medicaid nursing assistance and insist on family care only. Theres no reason to invite out-of-state friends are you getting married? Of course in a perfect world both of you could set aside your differences, but either you or her has caused some kind of a problem and its that persons responsibility to repair the relationship (not your husbands). I would not expect nor respect a decision if my brother chose to leave his wife home and travel for this party. Anyways, we battle on together to keep our family united. I found this blog because I am going through something dead on. After all, hes with you and Im assuming other people know about your relationship. i dont think so. I dont think so. female January 15, 2013, 3:29 pm. To illustrate that nothing will come between you? (Gee, I wonder why) And that speaks volumes in my book Look, its bad enough. Every time I bring up the subject or ask about why, he deflects the questions and says his family is always busy. I hope the information in this article helps you narrow down what this may be. 9. This is all assuming he had a reason to say such a thing, like you previously and often saying you don't like big parties, refusing to go, complaints, etc. Sorry, I keep asking you questions. Divorcing him would prevent me from getting hurt over and over again. If you want to remain uninvolved because you are not invested in either side or you dont want to upset anyone. Otherwise, how does the SIL have the balls to call up her brother, invite him to her b-day party, but, oh, by the way, please make sure you DONT bring your wife she is definitely not invited., temperance How should I approach this? If its anything else then I think the SIL is in the wrong and the LW has every right to ask her husband to either smooth things over with the sister or him to not go. Once were married (and even now but I know for some people its not) were each others #1 priority. so in this instance, the SIL is acting like an idiot- and you cant control that. AMAZING! usually by that time in your life, you have a mortgage, kids, whatever, stupid stuff that ties you down and doesnt let you just party whenever you want with whoever you want. January 15, 2013, 11:08 pm. see, if i was the husband in this situation, i would just be like you two are petty idiots and i will have NONE of this drama in my life. Related story: About four years ago, my cousins wife had a brief affair and everyone in my small extended family pretty much found out (long CW channel/soap opera type story in its ridiculousness). 10. Its Been Three Years and I Still Havent Met His Kids. Did the SIL mention the party on the phone to her brother and say soemthing like Oh, Im having a party, you should come! and the LW took that as she wasnt invited or where there formal invitations mailed out and the one that shows up to their house only had the husbands name on it? Its hard for me to imagine a healthy marriage wherein the two people absolutely could not go anywhere without the other without it breaking down the integrity of the marriage. female January 15, 2013, 10:30 am. Sincere people who truly love everyone want very much to have it out in the open and get together to remedy resolve and repair. You may feel like you're being left out or neglected. It will do you no good to pace back and forth, wondering if he's going to actually ask you to come along. Boom. !. Let him go spend time with them and be thankful that you dont have to partake in a boring small birthday dinner with some people that it sounds like you dont really enjoy! At face value what we know just from the content in the letter this is a huge slight. Other readers also suggest the possibility that the husband is lying about her being invited, and that he wants to go to Chicago alone. Ive told him my feelings and I do feel that my role is now to take the high road and not be petty. I dont think its wrong for the LW to want her husband to show some allegiance to her. Sue Jones When you get married your loyalty is to your wife. Something ain't right there. For example, the husbands family may dislike her because she is of a different race, religion or culture. You like him, you like, really like him. But she left that out, which I think is a little telling. I agree with Wendy 100% that it doesnt affect the foundation of your marriage. Why wasn't I invited?" theattack They would want to protect the kids from the emotional pain of seeing their dad with his affair wife. January 15, 2013, 10:28 am. BecBoo84 Im sure you can be on your best behavior, at least for the first few times you meet his family. It may not be the case for you, but your boyfriend may have some annoying family members. Ive heard it so many timesmy boyfriend never invites me to family events, should I be worried?. And, if the LW is so awful that the husband totally gets why no one in his family wants to see her, then thats a marital issue they need to address. Hes using their money to travel out there, depriving her of whatever his chores are while hes at home, etc. lbh but it isnt an issue between 2 adults in the same standing, it is an issue between 2 families, and the husband is straddling the two. If the LW did something to make herself unwelcome then thats on her. While I cant promise its a simple reason why your boyfriend never invites you to family events, hopefully, you now feel much more confident about talking to him about it. You have a right to be upset. No? Or is that just me? and yea, ill agree its shitty -id never do that, like i said- but if thats who she wants at her birthday party, jlyfsh People are going to have their differences with you, just like you have them with other people. And guess whaaat, not invited today either. He may be protecting you. 1. How to Deal with a Roommate Who Is Inconsiderate: 10 Tips! yea, i guess that is true if you look at it that way. either you are an asshole or your SIL/husbands family is an asshole. January 15, 2013, 10:52 am. January 23, 2013, 11:27 pm. AS I wrote above your new family the woman you married and perhaps the children you may have should come before your old family in terms of general priorities. January 15, 2013, 9:12 am. LW, just to echo the question others have had above, how do you know for sure you werent invited? /r/Relationships is a community built around helping people and the goal of providing a platform for interpersonal relationship advice between redditors. Whether it's a casual dinner followed by a movie, or going out to a bar and meeting new people, you won't regret getting out of the house and having a good time. Or I cant imagine why theyd exclude me, everything seemed fine the last time we got together., If I thought everything was fine between my SIL and I, or my husbands family and I, and out of the blue I was not invited to a family celebration, my first thought would not be Alas! My boyfriend was invited to the bachelor party which is the same weekend in the same place as theirs and there supposedly gonna meet up with the girls at some point and all go out which is cool I want him to have fun. bittergaymark She is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is Dont Bet on the Prince!Second Edition. But what the clever little chap does do is ignore your texts and calls while hes out for a messy one with the lads. also, i wouldnt marry someone who would get involved in drama, so really our united front would be something along the lines of.. so, she doesnt want me to come? Tough. Make yourself known, make it known your not lying down, not letting them decide what your family is going to look like. I think its the formality of the get-together. You just proved why I never recommend dating people who have friends of the opposite sex, even more if those friends are single. MISS MJ As it is it's weird because not only did her boyfriend not invite her, but nobody else apparently asked if she was coming either? All of a sudden it is so important that he is there. January 15, 2013, 2:11 pm. You should have a better foundation than that but constant, endless slights do take a toll on a marriage and can break it over time. I disagree with Wendys comments going straight to blaming you and questioning more things about other issues in your marriage. Thanks mom and dad. Whatever the reason, his exclusion signals youre not anintegral part of his emotional life. by not making a fuss about the husband going, the LW will be taking the high road, and above all, be telling the family that what they do doesnt personally effect her, which it shouldnt anyway. I would tell my husband to go and plan fabulous things to do that weekend on my own with my friends, family, or kids. This is over. I pushed the issue one time, and never did again because I was placed in an awkward situation of showing up at his moms birthday party--without being told it was her birthday! Whomever the wrong party iswhether it was a mutual disagreement or one in which there was an aggressor and a victimthe husband needs to make this the point at which it is resolved. So, in that sense, yes SIL has won, she has caused LW and her husband to fight and created the situation where husband has accepted her invitation against his wifes wishes. Until recently I didnt really notice him not calling me ANYWHERE, even though I already know his friends, and some of them even before I knew him. On the other hand, most people arent excluded for no reason and we have no idea why you were excluded. So I know they existyou just seem to be omitting the reasons behind her behaviour and that seems to indicate they arent favourable to you. But without an update, I guess we wont know! Feeling left out is never an easy thing to deal with, so if you weren't invited somewhere, follow these five steps and you're guaranteed to feel better about whatever situation is bothering you. (It was rude from where I stand, with the info that was given to me in your letter.) I mean, I could certainly see myself reaching out to just my brother to tell him about a party and ASSUMING OF COURSE his wife would come. Its the exact opposite! This is why not being invited somewhere can sometimes hurt. He doesnt need to stay home with you for him to know you guys are a unit. You should be included. I guess theres a fine line, but you KNOW it when you see itIm fine with people celebrating (like I said, Im all for partying), but when they make it this giant, super-special thing that you BETTER attend OR ELSE, its kind of self-centered & annoying to me. You say you're trying to be more social, does he know this? http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/03/poisoned_meals_my_mother_in_law_may_be_trying_to_make_me_sick_.html. Addie Pray jlyfsh ), Im also HIGHLY suspicious that maybe the husband wants to go by himselffor whatever reason? In the end, your husband wants a relationship with his sibling, for better of worse. I disagree with Wendy 100% for the first time ever. theattack Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. For the record, your SILs 40th birthday party probably isnt the best opportunity to smooth relations. January 15, 2013, 5:18 pm. Hey LW, just wanted to say that a) Im excited that you updated because we were all curious! (at first he said he wasnt going but )He just left to his brothers bday party without me. Related 14 Signs your boyfriend is done with your relationship. How do you invite someone to a family function without inviting their spouse?! I will always go to that party. But thats a simplistic reaction to an issue Im sure is multi-layered. This one is difficult because we dont know enough to give a fair answer. Maybe her MIL has mamas boy issues and made it sound to the SIL like the LW would never be willing to come all the way to Chicago for a party in order to get her special boy to come out by himself. Boo you! I like that about you. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. Fabelle But has chosen not to. Having a "Guys" night. January 15, 2013, 10:42 am. This is not acceptable. I have had a really hard year dealing with my abusive family, resulting in depression and anxiety which I have been in therapy for, for a few months now and am making good progress :) I am at the stage now that I'm trying to get out there and socialise more because I admittedly became quite withdrawn and socially anxious this past year as I have been dealing with my personal issues. 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